august 2023

i have been very delusional recently because i thought i was in love 

my life is but a waste 

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would anyone like to drive to heyfield with me 

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i walk around the house in fear 

i can’t breathe i hate living with people 

i think this is the reason it is impossible for me to be close with anyone because it is impossible for me to relax unless i am off my face on drugs and even then it is still embarrassing to open up 

i hate being alive and i hate living 

I’m growing old and lonely but i know i have not mastered the plan yet cuz i haven’t got to rock bottom yet so then it will be clear when i get to rock bottom

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just because someone is sick and tired doesn’t mean they look like they are sick and tired most people are sick but appear to be normal by cleaning, eating well, sleeping on a bed, talking about food

the second strange thing is 

why do people love 

love is a soulless pointless activity if you don’t understand love people become religious as trying to understand how to love 

people who share a lot online could be lonely 

i don’t have any close friends 

at all 

people are just fans but i don’t know them 

and it is embarrassing to have a show in my bedroom but i don’t have any friends who would come hang out in my bedroom but i know people who would come to a show here 

when i was at the swimming pool today i decided that i had to leave the steam sauna even in the sunlight to go and write things down on my phone 

it seemed more important and i did not feel like i had any one to call to talk to about the problems i have been having so i will write a movie 

at the pool i had the thought that Japanese people are stoic because they hide their pain 

and that made me think how the worst way to be in this world is a woman 

i clean the house and i say i am just like my mother 

no one knows how i feel about animals and how i am not far off from killing one 

i don’t like to tell people whats on my mind because then i feel ashamed and i don’t like being close to people 

things i hate are 1. speaking 2. sweet moments of physical touch between my love and me 

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i dropped out of my acting class to be with you 

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