August 2024

looking at the moon above you, being with the moon

clarity 

drug addiction

love

beauty 

truth 

the ending 

again and again in preparation to be

..

loserish inattentive life

i could stop the racing thoughts of sucide ideation last night in bed in between panics of tears swollen i surrendered and came to the solution of suicide

then my body had a spasm, similar to those kind of jolts you have when you are falling asleep, you miss your step on the sidewalk, u fall down but it felt different more of my full body

and after that happened the thoughts stopped and i fell asleep

so exhausted from crying and hating myself so much\

whats the point in going out if you’re just so depressed

and u hate me 4 it 

burdensome 

pity me 

wake up you dead and sore loser 

don’t have food in the house 

..

is sex work making me more depressed 

compared to another job am i the seem perhaps even more depressed

maybe if i did my job better

gave hand and head better 

more effort for intimacy, kissed like a real nigger 

learning about love through prostitutes 

i can’t wait for my bed to arrive 

I’ve been using an airplane pillow ever since i left naarm 

shit is breaking down 

am i finally surrendering to the here and now

am i finally surrendering to eating my own shit 

giving up, 

russian whores on shard

..

where low self esteem leads you 

to b with the worst 

because u deserve it or don’t deserve better

..

film setting 

port headland boats intense conversation over top refer to batboy hubby industrial no god scene 

ticking psychosis sound in between 

record sounds of games in shopping centre chocolate factory

..

if your emotions are not controlled you will manifest things u don’t want

..