you’ve now seen me at my worst

manifesting a boyfriend 

on your sweet level 

uninterested, humble, scared of sex, assured in being alone, attracted to loss 

a serious sense of shame

but better then myself

it took me to run out into the island that i could look at myself in the sand

i wrote alone on a stick 

and got lost on the beach 

i took a tab as soon as i woke up 

so bored with the sound of ocean bird and wind

the sun i could not deal with the peace

knowing that the grass would soon look less dull once i was tripping 

when I’m tripping alone i started to remember the connection made by loss

the ocean made me sick am i talking to myself out loud and fearful of losing it 

back and fourth where u left off last time u did this 

i remember 

shit 

fuck 


protection is hideous 

i am setting out on the nile 

half past 9 on the train 

hoping to run into the chin ease mother and son (older)

she held his hand his thigh in a way that didn’t look like a normal motherly moment 

i am sickened by god

u walk this way home 

i take the turn 


the piano returns my true saviour but i don’t need any of this no more

no more 

to be continued… 



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august 2023