june 2024 (in the desert by now)

country town 

pedophile

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make night walking music video for am i just feeling dead

or video of me doing makeup or something

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smell like cigarettes in my bed 

smell like meth in my bed 

alone.

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I’m addicted to love at the moment

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menu 

red mullet fish soup with white wine, potatoes and thyme

carrot coriander currents tahini dressing salad

roasted chicken with olives and prunes 

potato rosti with fried egg, feta and basil rocket parmesan salad'

cumin steak with butter

chinease 5 spice butter 

lamb chops w ratatouille side dish

Alfredo spaghetti - butter parmegino

french fries 

black pepper black bean stew with bacon

yoghurt eggplant curry 

borsht 

persian lentil stew 

ash reshteh - persian herbs bean and noodle soup with cream cheese 

dessert:

espresso with double thick cream

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self exile (living here)

woollen skirt 

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woo

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because i had some fucking privacy i was able to cum like a genuios 

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if you have an itchy clitrious then you have an orgasam 

the reason people lie is because they don’t know who they are

focus on yourself

when you changed and decided to love everything

never seen such a pretty face, a heroine, crack addict older man,never seen such a pure heart 

kiddie, 

I’m not sure if anyone would be impressed by you

trying not to tempt all my lazy thoughts on you

the urge to, 

i feel like letting go

and getting drunk in the morning 

start drinking in the morning and be nicely drunk by midday 

unfamiliar scented memories of balls and sprem

shin pain, back aches, arms ache - connected to inability to drink it off

sleeping on a louzy mattress 

the emberssment to title; “i feel like I’m dead’

the ever present joy of being reminded 

will they clap when i arrive

the sunset i don’t care anymore 

i don’t care what you do anymore

i don’t care what happens 

i feel more at ease peaceful 

but why is support from the system only really designed for the upper class

has it worked out in fact to my virtue?

i have nothing to say anymore I’ve started to speak out loud over the kitchen sink 

over the night i would question 

was this,

is this, one of the worst mistakes of my life?

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big fan of reality.

running into all the corners of the streets, the darkness the shadows so as to stay safe, out of sight. fearful the men in a group who parked their car not far from me may have seen me, realised it was me and remembered me from the week before where i willingly drunk let one of them give me head. however i was so drunk i do not believe so surely i wanted to and if they saw me again they could expect id give them  sex and if i said no they could potentially rape me. tho i must admit i was horny. however ashamed after it happened because i wished my boyfriend gave me head as its quite a passionate moment. tho i felt disgusted. never less the rape story continues but is over in the sense i will only fuck if i seriously want to and feel the attraction. ignoring the intuition will surely lead to danger - disease. it is a matter of life and death , to deny your heart.

 every part of the town is made easily visible; the person walking on the other side, everyone will wave at you, try and figure out if thats your friend, the sillouhte in the distance. there is space and not many people so its pretty hard to hide. if i ever went to the pub again id have to wear a wig. i don’t believe i would  If you walk alone someone will join to walk with you. the company we are looking for cigarette butts in bins, she whips out a flash light. the closed pub.  

being afraid in the dark, hiding, fearful of being followed home. i wonder if they chased me if id risk jumping into the fascine fully clad in woolen coat and beanie. i wonder if i crouched down close enough to the ground id be camouflage in the darkness. and if my body shape could be an old man walking, not the girl they rooted the last week in tight fitting denim shorts and stockings. i feel safe knowing my clothes are large so i look less like a female. i think of my brothers question, if you are being followed, or at risk, would u hide in the darkness or the well lit areas. i question it and decide it depends on the environment. perhaps a city well lit is safer with the chance of more people around, more witnesses, is my voice loud enough to scream? when was the last time i practised reaching those sounds. this environment i decide darkness is safer, less chance of being spotted. i can easily lie down and blend into the blackness. it is very dark here. there is a lot of space, and not that many people. i consider running closer to the houses, that way i can pretend i live in one as a way to escape or jump a fence and wait for the car to pass. 

running away it reminded me of throwing rocks into peoples homes and running away. being chased potentially where would i hide. 

to see me like a weirdo illiterate and dumb. to act as tho u can’t understand what i way or make a face like its cringe worthy and loserish. to not take me so seriously. or r u awkward in yourself, and it is a phone call and it is hard to read a face through a screen. to deny my heard will lead to disease, listen to the sighs, the warning, what u need to do, trust your intuition and stand up for yourself practice telling people to fuck off. did u learn about body language ?

if i feel something, i pay attention to it or else i am in danger.

i had a lot of illnesses in my body growing up. constantly something is wrong with me itchy eyes bladder problems no chance to breathe and stop breathing. 

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don’t make it sound predictable “dumb’

keep it raw as it is. challenging sound.

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why do i never had horny thoughts before and when i masterbate 

as if life itself turns me on 

or rather i want to escape from life

what turns me on 

what is the thing that triggers my arousal 

horniness, 

and above all 

without knowledge of yourself, you can’t love yourself, you can’t heal

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i run the church 

i run the fucking church 

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the cost 

the cost of living

//

the cost you lost 

what a cost 

what fucking cost ! 

I’m sorry for your cost 

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worthless

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loving kindness

to be gratful

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higher power 

free bird 

free spirit 

who i dragged through hell

living amends

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ocean metal photo shoot 

poetry lyrics zine 

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so forgetful 

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no one respects you when u are not true to yourself

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living in disaster in and despaier

im A FAN OF IT anyway 

like 

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denial of own needs leads to disease

being authentic - able to act on yourself in the environment

if i feel something i pay attention to that or else I’m in danger. (disease)

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the beautiful step outside the day to greet warm alive squirming plants moist red dirt moving upwards reaching upwards to touch you, tickle you, taste you greet you, sky above and ocean sleeping in the sandunes tonight roll over with a bottle of whisky and a pack of durries. listening to the rain fall on me the oceans rain water, sea water ocean. I’m here for support. I’m here to support you, my friend, ocean waves crashing, stars snickering in delight, peacful mockery of my dear angel. 

no relapses just lapses 

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scenes in a movie 

different characters with all same theme carried through

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i can cry on command

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who cares vale of tears - salty pig music video

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